The end.

It's been a very long time since i feel very awake...

Away from pain, misery and tears...

I may have lost everything...
u are once my everything...
But now u no longer is...
Cause in my heart i'm facing a truth that i always avoid,
That is u have left me...

Although u might be seeing me but the truth i can see in ur eyes,
U have left me and looking into someone else.

I always blame myself for everything, especially why u leave me.
I always blame myself of being not enough.
Maybe i really not good enough to be a gf,
Not good enough for anyone else gf.

Cry is often the only thing i can left to do.
Cause there's really nothing that i can do.

I understand u want to meets more gals to explore,
Logically i neo, but i can't understand why i'm just not good enough to be ur gf.
I really don't understand...
I really not good enough. Really not good at all.

I have trap myself in this misery box for a very long time...
I have lost myself into it...
There seems to be no way out for me to get out of it.

Knowing the truth and facing it, it is so painful, so painful till i can't stop crying can't stop screaming in pain...
It just can't stop.. Cause it's been so pain...

To stop all these the only way is to suicide.

I have killed myself in that box.
U left me in that box alone and i left my heart in that box.

Now, I live for myself, my mum.
It's a brand new me.
Things has change from the moment i suicide.
Almost Everything in me have change especially my mindset.

I no longer central my life into relationship.
I don't plan to seek for my dream guy or my next bf, until the right one appear to me.
I will love myself more, forgive myself, improve myself, spend time on what i love to do.
Forgiving myself, is forgiving others.
All love have been lock, no sparing to anyone, other then my family and friends.

I have lost everything...
Now i have to re-build everything back by pieces...
No matter how difficult it is...

Goodbye to u, my love.
Hallo to the new me.
Raine.Cinderella Dream

Listening to to ur sorrow and touch by your effort.

Now is 636am...

The reason why i post this blog is because i'm shock by a new...

Thia\s is what i learn about:

"Not a good start to the year for Hamasaki Ayumi (29). The singer revealed on her official fan club website at the weekend that she has lost the hearing in her left ear. She says doctors told her last year that it was too late for surgical treatment of a problem that dates back almost to the beginning of her career. In 2000 it caused her to postpone part of a national concert tour. With this year marking the tenth anniversary of her debut, she remains upbeat and says she will continue singing as long as she can hear in her right ear. She just released her latest album "Guilty" on New Year's Day and has a 19-show concert tour starting in early April. The bad news came shortly after her ex-boyfriend, Tokio member Nagase Tomoya (28), was romantically linked with up-and-coming young actress Aibu Saki (22). Ayu and Nagase ended their 7-year relationship just last July."

This is a piece of stocking new for me to accept!!!

I was stone for few secs to regain conscious on what i have heard...
I felt like crying out loud...( But cause got people around me i can't do that)
Especially when i heard the sentence: " due to the sharp pain in the last concert all her song she sung was out of tune and when singing the last song she breakdown and cried..."

Although I'm not her but i felt the great pain and disappointment that was felt from herself...
Scenario of the concert floating in my head...
Close my eyes...
It so painful and heart aching to visualize it..

Ayumi Harmasaki, she is my DIVA.
I hardly idolize anybody, as you all know.
But she's different...
I'm very touch by her... Not only her songs, her hardwork, her attitude, her concept, herself, etc...
I know her at the age of 14, since then i admire her a lot of what she is and how she do things...
Although i don't openly pronounce that i'm a FAN of her's but she is always a DIVA in my heart of all these years...
I always hope that what i like and admire and good ending, smooth sail good life.
I never have expect that Ayu will encounter such incident...

It's too heart aching...
People said "Guilty" is be her last album.
Sad.

I listen to the songs in the album, all the song track and sequence of the tracklist is like describing herself and what is is experiencing in this period of time...

Listening to the songs is like listening to ur sorrow and i'm touch by ur effort to make this album possible and making it so good...
It's not easy but i can feel you effort, tears and difficulties which u going through...

I'm just an ordinary gal, but i wish ayumi hamasaki and put ur best in everything u do and show us ur hardwork we can all proud about. All the best!! Good Luck!!

Dream

Nightmare is always scary and feels real...
A fear that is experience, horrid that is seen by the eyes of the beholder..

Dark and fear...

In a rooms with several door,
all seems to be lock...
Searching to the one door to escape is so hopeful and hopeless...
Cry...

However, this type of struggle did not last long...
I was catch by one person, the other one hold a knife and stab in my heart..
Pain was felt... So pain so real..
Tears rolling down like endless rain...
It is a tears of joy, i would say..
All suffering has end...
I no longer bear with the fear, pain, sadness and suffering..
I no longer need to see my world been crush with despair...
I no longer have to hold on due surrounding people..
I no longer have to dream of thing that will not happen to me...
All have end...
Thank you.

Thank you

Believing

Love have bring me lots of pain and suffering...
It seems endless...

Pain are like burning flames...
Burn me...
Suffering are like covering my own mouth and stopping myself from breathing...
However, breathing doesn't made the suffering stop..

What really can end all this thing??

That day i saw this massage from the Mrt station.
This is the juice of it:
"To be happy or miserable. The amount of effort spend is the same."

Well.. What an statement.

What it says is right..
But to go against the current of what i feel, i will probably spend more effort.

Ironic, after so much things i still believe in fairy tales...
Probably, that is the only thing made me feel that love exist, or there is something out there called love..
And i want to believe that it is still beautiful.
Closing my eyes, picture the scenario of cinderella made it to the ball and dance with the prince..
It simply melt my heart..
It's so pure and beautiful..

Where can i find such love?
Where??

suddenly..
I wanna to cry but i neo that i'm not able cry anymore even though how sad or miserable i am...
Probably i will go blind by crying so much..
Me eyes recently been very painful, esp. when i cry.. Vision also being very blur...
Like going to be blind.
Dunno is it i cry too much or??
I dun neo... No brain to think also...

Close my eyes...

Image...
Imaging a lot of things..

Mistake

I realise i got this stupid typo error.
In the murder post, I mean i'm being murdered not i murder ppl...
haha..

Well...
Bleeding non stop even i'm still living and breathing...
Trying to be better..

I have been siting in this roller coaster....
Going up and down up and down,
Screaming in fear, pain and tears....
So tiring...

I want to end this roller coaster ride..
I can't take it anymore...

To u

I'm sorry....
I'm sorry to a lot of people...
People who care for me, like my mum, ww, jess,julian,etc...

I really can't tell anybody what happen...
I only can say: 'Don't worrying, I'm still breathing.. And it's for u all...'

Thing might seem very complicated..
But in my eyes i treat it simple.
Didn't think that much..
Just follow this heart of mine.

I don't wish to regret anything that what my heart says of not doing.
No matter how does it feels like, pain, sadness, etc.
I take it all...
I don't want to escape any of these..
I want to face it while i can and embrace them...

It is not easy, it is difficult.
All i ask is to trust me, support me when i need, though i will not say what happen..
Ya... Funny...

But that is the best management i can afford.
I don't think i can do anything more...

I must learn to trust.
"Love without trust is no love at all"
It is a phase from my fav movie.

Silent

To stop the tears from dropping,
I look up into the celling.

My vision start to blur,
at the moment i thought i see a starry sky.

But when the tears drop,
what i can see is just the celling.

Each breath is full of pain and sadness,
Each exhale is tears and hopelessness.

Everything is silent...

Who knows??

For a few hours i thought i can find some peace.
I don't feel that bad and things will settle through time.

But for another moment everything back to the original point.

Why happiness is so short live??

Everytime i feel so bad that i want to kill myself,
But who can understand my inner struggler, things that i went through??

Who knows that i once trusted a person and i felt i being betray and devastated by the person.
When he is in the happiest time in his time, i screaming in pain??
Do anyone knows what i saw , what i experience?

I even gone through this twice by the same person.
Each time a new one a whole deal of different suffering..
I always keep in silent, is that not enough?

This time i also hope to keep in silent, but i can't anymore.
Cause it is more than what i can take , it is far more than anything.
I always scream in pain inside, Who knows??

That now i can't take it anymore, do anyone care??
I got all the blame, I hurt ppl.
But WHO KNOWS how i felt after all these things??

I never mention any detail to anyone, cause i can't.
What can i do??
CAn anyone tell me??

Death

Death is not something i afraid.
I maybe so afraid of love but i don't afraid to die...

I feel that all this suffering, mental break down and everything is worse then die.
After i dead i will not see any unhappiness in people, i will not feel miserable and feels like dying.

I wonder in the process of dying would the pain be less painful than what i experience it now?

Wanting to die is a thought that hunt me like a million years ago.
My life is so grey so black, so empty, so useless, so wasteful.
What is the point of i living and be a burden to everybody.
I should die and donate my organs and so other people will live a life that they want , will not lose their love ones, able to accomplish things that they want life...

All this isn't it carry a much more value that i living now?

My will and reason of living is only 1%.
If anybody wish me to die i'm more than happy to.
So i can end all these suffering and not burden anybody anymore.
I feel that i'm so useless, dying like sound more useful to me.

Nobody treasure me being in living now.
I think he would think that if i'm gone is for good, so he would not feel pain and misery and don't need to decide. I'm just extra isn't it?
I know the best few formula of dying.

Should I??

I really don't neo when i will cannot take it anymore and end all these suffering.
I don't neo when.
I'm not love, not treasure, I'm like just a dog.

IF i die, I don't want anybody to come to my funeral.
I want to die in silent and alone.
Lay in a a coffin fill with White Rose. This is what i am. P.S: If one day, really one day i die, I have fought with my pain and suffering till the end already. I have tried my very best. Please don't be anger with me. I love all of u. Please live ur life in ur fullest and do things that i cannot accomplish anymore.
This is like me:
http://video.baidu.com/p?word=%D5%E6%B5%C4+%D5%C5%C9%D8%BA%AD&pos=2&s=3

Pain

Pain has become so great that i can't breath anymore.

How i wish i can just close my eyes: don't see any of the misery in anybody or myself.
If i just can....
I hope i'm sleeping beauty now.
Just put into sleep when u are in pain and sadness.
And wake up in happiness by the kiss of her true love.

But all these will not happen in real life.
I went online and type "Broken heart"
There is million of article of how to heal a broken heart, I realise.
However, after reading some, suggestion that it mention i have did before le...
Most of it...
It don't work on me very well...
Of course some of them did lighten the pain...
But the pain still there, still.

I found i tad line i love it a lot:
"Forgive yourself. You can't change the past, but you can learn from your mistakes and not repeat them."

Wake up.

I'm tire and sick today...
Got flu and need to run so many places...
Tire...

I come to realise that happiness is short live and great pain come after that...

Memories of unwanted hunt me...

I only can re-act what i should cause i'm so tire...

Miracle does not happen on me...
It only happen on ppl who is Beautiful and pretty... Not me...

Therefore, sometimes even the most simple things can be very far fatch...

I have come to realise it today...
It took me so long to neo that i don't fit to have any hope, dreams or wants.
Any of that is something very i don't deserve.
If i hope , dream or want anything i will get my punishment.

Murdered.

Both of u hold a knife together and stab my heart.
I'm murdered.

Heavy heart plus a stab into it.
Is it a relieve or simply just make the condition worsen?

Cats have 9 life if so to say.

How many life i have and so to live?

Personality test.

This is a personality test..

quite accurate la..

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Kind and Gentle

Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between.

I'm so tire and...

This few days my heart had been very heavy...
It's seem heavier by each day...

So heavy till i can't take it anymore - Breakdown.
I really dunno what is right and what is wrong...
Sometimes it seems like doing the right thing feels wrong;
Sometimes doing the wrong things feels right...

It's complicated. Very complicated.

I know doing all this is not easy.
I thought through courage i will made it through,
I believed in true love, I still hope to believe.

I thought i can make it through...

But i really can't do this alone...
It's like i'm am been the one doing all this myself and it's so so one-sided.
Am i?

Everyday, I heart felt heavier.
It's been so heavy till i can't breath.

I wonder if one day i give up...
What would i choose to give up???
Believe in true love?
Believe in I will meet my right one?
Believe in happiness?
Believe in u?


Or
I should:
Believe in I will be single forever?
Believe in there is no happiness for me?
Believe in U are leaving me?
Believe in i will never meet someone else?
Believe in I'm a bad person?
Believe I'm not fit for anyone?
Believe in I'm not good enough?

There is so many things..

I'm lost...
I always not very good in direction, maps and stuff...
Just hope to follow my heart and just move forward...
But why it's seem difficult?

It's either we are always escaping from the truth
Or we refuse to accept the truth.

Why can't it be simple and be happy?
Why I must be the one waiting?
Why I must be the one crying?
Why I must the one in pain?
Why i must be the one be stronger?
Why I must be the one hoping?
Why I must be the single?
Why I must be the one keep hiding?
Why I must be the one who love u, miss u?
Why I must be the one so hopeless?

I'm tire.. so tire...
I just sit and wait to hear the answer.
It's like sentence.
I'm prepare the worse...
It just like shotting a bullet into my heart...

That's is how i feel...

The one and last thing i hope is to sleep and never wake up to live in misery...

Waiting.

Waiting is what i always do...

Now i still do..

But i really dunno what i'm waiting for..

I'm I waiting for:
My prince?
The one I loves or who Loves me?
My perfect match?
My soul mates?
Happiness?
Happily ever after?
Hope?
Dreams come true?
Or
in the end,
I just waiting for:
Disappointment?
pain?
Tears?
Sadness?
loneliness?

No matter what is it...
Wait seems is the only i left to do...