The end.

It's been a very long time since i feel very awake...

Away from pain, misery and tears...

I may have lost everything...
u are once my everything...
But now u no longer is...
Cause in my heart i'm facing a truth that i always avoid,
That is u have left me...

Although u might be seeing me but the truth i can see in ur eyes,
U have left me and looking into someone else.

I always blame myself for everything, especially why u leave me.
I always blame myself of being not enough.
Maybe i really not good enough to be a gf,
Not good enough for anyone else gf.

Cry is often the only thing i can left to do.
Cause there's really nothing that i can do.

I understand u want to meets more gals to explore,
Logically i neo, but i can't understand why i'm just not good enough to be ur gf.
I really don't understand...
I really not good enough. Really not good at all.

I have trap myself in this misery box for a very long time...
I have lost myself into it...
There seems to be no way out for me to get out of it.

Knowing the truth and facing it, it is so painful, so painful till i can't stop crying can't stop screaming in pain...
It just can't stop.. Cause it's been so pain...

To stop all these the only way is to suicide.

I have killed myself in that box.
U left me in that box alone and i left my heart in that box.

Now, I live for myself, my mum.
It's a brand new me.
Things has change from the moment i suicide.
Almost Everything in me have change especially my mindset.

I no longer central my life into relationship.
I don't plan to seek for my dream guy or my next bf, until the right one appear to me.
I will love myself more, forgive myself, improve myself, spend time on what i love to do.
Forgiving myself, is forgiving others.
All love have been lock, no sparing to anyone, other then my family and friends.

I have lost everything...
Now i have to re-build everything back by pieces...
No matter how difficult it is...

Goodbye to u, my love.
Hallo to the new me.
Raine.Cinderella Dream

Listening to to ur sorrow and touch by your effort.

Now is 636am...

The reason why i post this blog is because i'm shock by a new...

Thia\s is what i learn about:

"Not a good start to the year for Hamasaki Ayumi (29). The singer revealed on her official fan club website at the weekend that she has lost the hearing in her left ear. She says doctors told her last year that it was too late for surgical treatment of a problem that dates back almost to the beginning of her career. In 2000 it caused her to postpone part of a national concert tour. With this year marking the tenth anniversary of her debut, she remains upbeat and says she will continue singing as long as she can hear in her right ear. She just released her latest album "Guilty" on New Year's Day and has a 19-show concert tour starting in early April. The bad news came shortly after her ex-boyfriend, Tokio member Nagase Tomoya (28), was romantically linked with up-and-coming young actress Aibu Saki (22). Ayu and Nagase ended their 7-year relationship just last July."

This is a piece of stocking new for me to accept!!!

I was stone for few secs to regain conscious on what i have heard...
I felt like crying out loud...( But cause got people around me i can't do that)
Especially when i heard the sentence: " due to the sharp pain in the last concert all her song she sung was out of tune and when singing the last song she breakdown and cried..."

Although I'm not her but i felt the great pain and disappointment that was felt from herself...
Scenario of the concert floating in my head...
Close my eyes...
It so painful and heart aching to visualize it..

Ayumi Harmasaki, she is my DIVA.
I hardly idolize anybody, as you all know.
But she's different...
I'm very touch by her... Not only her songs, her hardwork, her attitude, her concept, herself, etc...
I know her at the age of 14, since then i admire her a lot of what she is and how she do things...
Although i don't openly pronounce that i'm a FAN of her's but she is always a DIVA in my heart of all these years...
I always hope that what i like and admire and good ending, smooth sail good life.
I never have expect that Ayu will encounter such incident...

It's too heart aching...
People said "Guilty" is be her last album.
Sad.

I listen to the songs in the album, all the song track and sequence of the tracklist is like describing herself and what is is experiencing in this period of time...

Listening to the songs is like listening to ur sorrow and i'm touch by ur effort to make this album possible and making it so good...
It's not easy but i can feel you effort, tears and difficulties which u going through...

I'm just an ordinary gal, but i wish ayumi hamasaki and put ur best in everything u do and show us ur hardwork we can all proud about. All the best!! Good Luck!!

Dream

Nightmare is always scary and feels real...
A fear that is experience, horrid that is seen by the eyes of the beholder..

Dark and fear...

In a rooms with several door,
all seems to be lock...
Searching to the one door to escape is so hopeful and hopeless...
Cry...

However, this type of struggle did not last long...
I was catch by one person, the other one hold a knife and stab in my heart..
Pain was felt... So pain so real..
Tears rolling down like endless rain...
It is a tears of joy, i would say..
All suffering has end...
I no longer bear with the fear, pain, sadness and suffering..
I no longer need to see my world been crush with despair...
I no longer have to hold on due surrounding people..
I no longer have to dream of thing that will not happen to me...
All have end...
Thank you.

Thank you

Believing

Love have bring me lots of pain and suffering...
It seems endless...

Pain are like burning flames...
Burn me...
Suffering are like covering my own mouth and stopping myself from breathing...
However, breathing doesn't made the suffering stop..

What really can end all this thing??

That day i saw this massage from the Mrt station.
This is the juice of it:
"To be happy or miserable. The amount of effort spend is the same."

Well.. What an statement.

What it says is right..
But to go against the current of what i feel, i will probably spend more effort.

Ironic, after so much things i still believe in fairy tales...
Probably, that is the only thing made me feel that love exist, or there is something out there called love..
And i want to believe that it is still beautiful.
Closing my eyes, picture the scenario of cinderella made it to the ball and dance with the prince..
It simply melt my heart..
It's so pure and beautiful..

Where can i find such love?
Where??

suddenly..
I wanna to cry but i neo that i'm not able cry anymore even though how sad or miserable i am...
Probably i will go blind by crying so much..
Me eyes recently been very painful, esp. when i cry.. Vision also being very blur...
Like going to be blind.
Dunno is it i cry too much or??
I dun neo... No brain to think also...

Close my eyes...

Image...
Imaging a lot of things..